Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
You Might Also Like
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
? 💀
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Bruh PLEASE
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.