My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
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roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.