“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
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Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.