[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
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if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice