Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
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Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.