Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
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I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
me before I type out affect or effect
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest