My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
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nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.