People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
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I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
The Compass
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
even bears disappoint their mothers
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I need this for my side hustle.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.