Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
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911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
🚲+physics = winner
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
i would wish you the best but i am the best
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS