I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
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My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.