[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
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I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Happy birthday to all the women
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.