(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
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It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.