Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
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The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.