My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
You Might Also Like
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
We need to put an American base on the sun
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine