{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
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Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Salad is the decaf of food.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I know
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money