I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
You Might Also Like
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
December birthdays be like…
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*