casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
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A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?