My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
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Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
honestly, i need both:
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.