Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
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5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?