If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
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why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
The best shot in the history of golf
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
“What?”
– Jude
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?