Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
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I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.