Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
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In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.