I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
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[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.