How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
You Might Also Like
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Many hands make light work
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice