Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
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I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.