Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
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me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
How I’d get arrested…
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Just as the prophecy foretold
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.