Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
You Might Also Like
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
And then there were 4
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead