Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
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Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok