muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
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[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
*watches the world burn*
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.