“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
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{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!