Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
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I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
And now we wait
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.