I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
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On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.