me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
You Might Also Like
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
also my go-to takeaway order
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality