What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
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DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no