[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
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Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Me checking my bank balance online.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school