Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
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Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.