Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
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ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
reminder
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?