If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
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Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall