Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
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Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”