[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
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WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars