Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
You Might Also Like
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
I’m tired tomorrow.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista