You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
You Might Also Like
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]