I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
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I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
the clam before the storm
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.