Watermelon Boss!
You Might Also Like
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Legend 🤣🤣
spot the difference
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
they should invent a rest for the wicked
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.