Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
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I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.