Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
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Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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