I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
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In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.