Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
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I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either