Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
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Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
craving $300 all of a sudden
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think