When you let grandma cat sit
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The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Pot warmers of the day.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
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